For about 20 years or so I thought
I was a Christian. But looking back now
I know that I wasn’t. As a teenager I went to a young peoples club where we
played games went on outings and had a short talk about God. At this point of
the evening I always turned off. When I was 16, I saw a change in my cousin and
other young people in the church when they became Christians I wanted to be
like them. I asked God to forgive my sins and make me a Christian. I thought that that was it, I had no idea of
what it meant to have my sins forgiven and had no sorrow for them. I didn’t think that I was that bad. I did my best to be a good person read my
bible and went to church, because I thought that that was the right thing to
do. When I was 18 I got baptised with
the other young people, All this time I thought that I was a Christian.
I married
Paul later that year and moved to Handsworth in
In September 2003 I was ill with blood clots in my lungs.
I became very depressed and for
the first time I had to face the fact that one-day I was going to die. Around October 2004, I was so depressed that
I started to see a counsellor and psychiatrist I also began to read the Psalms.
I
might as well have been reading a dictionary because nothing went in.
In February 2005, I went into hospital for the 3rd time with the blood clots
and the fact that I could die anytime really scared me. This is when I started to seek God. I wanted to know Him but I couldn’t see how.
In May As
I read the Psalms God started to show me that He is a holy God and will not
even look on sin. He would one-day judge sin with eternal
torment and that one-day I would have to give an account of myself to Him.
I started
to read my Bible more and more. I even began to take it to work with me to
read. One night I forgot to take my
Bible to work. It was a very quiet night and I was bored so I
started to look on the Internet. I saw a site with sermons on and I down
loaded ‘The sinner in the hands of an angry God,’ by Jonathan Edwards. Here he gives a picture of the sinner
dangling from a piece of spiders web above the mouth of hell and the only thing
keeping the sinner from falling into hells fire is the hand of God. And when He decides to let go there is
nothing man can do about it. This scared
me so much that when I read it I began to shake physically. When I
finished reading I went into my office where nobody goes and prayed like I had
never prayed before. That God would forgive me and not let me go.
As the
days went by I began to see the enormity of my sin even things that I had
forgotten about began to haunt me. All I could hear was the word condemned I
knew that I deserved God judgement and pleaded with Him to forgive me.
As
I read the psalms they seemed to be talking about the salvation of God. I
remember reading Psalm 103 verses 3 &
4 ‘God who forgives all your
iniquities heals all your diseases Who redeems your life from destruction.’ I was
quite taken back by it and had to read it many times. I kept asking God to forgive me and to save
me but I couldn’t see how He could because of all the years of pretending and
bringing dishonour to Him. I felt that I need proof that he had.
Almost
every day some how or other God spoke to me about his salvation, and I would
plead with him for forgiveness. At this
time I noticed that the depression had lifted but thought nothing of it.
On the 14th July I read a book by Spurgeon called ‘Faith what is it’. I couldn’t put it down. He talked about the reasons why people cannot
believe that God can forgive them using the text ‘believe on the Lord Jesus
Christ and you will be saved’. I put my
reasons in the places he gave like “but I
have done such and such”. His answer
was, “Yes, but Jesus died for sinners, believe on him”. But. “I have pretended, I have
been a hypocrite for so long.” His answer was, “Christ died for such people believe”. “I
have brought dishonour to His Name” and the answer came. “You are a sinner. Christ
died for sinners, believe on Christ”. “I don’t feel that he has forgiven me”, and
His answer was that you do not have to feel anything, just believe. Then, all of a sudden, I could see that all
God required of me was to believe on Christ and that He has taken the penalty
of my sin. That is all there is to it! It was as if a blind fold had been taken
off. Once more I prayed that God would
forgive me for all my sins and this time I knew
that He had.
The next
day I had an appointment with the psychiatrist and she could see that something
had happened so she asked me. And I told her that I had become a Christian
and that I know that all my sins had been forgiven through Jesus Christ when he
died on the cross. All the guilt of the past and the fear of death
has gone, because I knew that when I die I will be with be with him forever. She wanted to know more so I told her that
when Christ died He took all my sin, He bore my guilt and suffered the wrath of
God, which I deserved. I told her that not only has he taken my sin away but
also He has given me His righteousness, so that when God sees me now He sees me
as perfect. I think she thought I had completely lost it.
Since
becoming a Christian things haven’t been easy.
In October my father became very
ill with cancer and was told that he did not have long to live. I was extremely upset but I knew that God was
in complete control and, although it was a very difficult time for me, I was
comforted by this. I do not know how I
would have coped without Gods help. He gave me the strength each day to sit with
dad and talk to him about his need for salvation. Dad
died 10 days later. God was so close to
me at that time I knew His love and strength.
It was him that got me though
each day.
February 2006 I
was taken into hospital again with another blood clot on my lung. I was
in a lot of pain and found it hard to breathe at times. The doctors were baffled as to why I keep
getting these blood clots. They kept
saying that I am lucky to have survived so many but I know that luck has
nothing to do with it. The fear of
death had completely gone. I knew that
if I did die I would be going home to be with my heavenly Father and I would
see Christ face to face. I had nothing to fear but everything to look
forward to.
Days when
I am in a lot of pain and wonder how long I can go on like this, the Lord
reminds me that He has a purpose in all this and that He loves me. He knows all
about the pain, all the uncertainties of my condition. He will
give me the strength to get through each day. God is teaching me to trust Him
more and to let go of the things of this world.
I find it mind blowing that the Creator God came to earth as a helpless
baby; grew up and allowed Him to be
nailed to a cross for me to take the wrath of God that I deserved. I cannot date the day of my conversion; it
was probably sometime in July 2006. However, one thing I do know is that Christ
died for sinners, and that includes me.
I see my sin differently now. Before
it did not really bother me too much, as long as nobody got hurt or upset. But now, knowing how much it cost the Holy
Son of God to take away my sin by taking on Himself my curse, I do not want to
do it anymore. But it is a constant struggle.
God is
teaching me so much through reading his word.
It is as if I am reading a
completely different book. All of a
sudden the Bible makes sense. I love to
read his word. Times when I am feeling down God’s Word
encourages me, reminding me of what He has done for me. He chose me before He made the world. Not because of anything that I had done or
anything I am going to do, but because He chose to choose me.
Sometimes
I wonder why did God chose me there are
so many people better than I am, but I am so grateful that He did.