John van der Rest

I was brought up in a family where no particular religion was practised. Any religious feelings tended to go along the lines of all faiths lead to the same God, as long as we tried hard then God, whoever he was would look upon us favourably. We thought that we could learn much from all the world religions and we shouldn't get too involved in any particular one. My parents left it up to me to follow Christianity if I chose to, I wasn't baptised as an infant for this reason. I was taught Christianity at school just before Religious Education became inclusive of all religions. There were the odd talks on what Hindus believed but these were very few. We used to pray and sing hymns in morning assemblies. The Headmaster sometimes used a passage of scripture to give a message to the children. I had a strong feeling that God did exist and that he was watching over me. I knew that if I was naughty I would get caught and feared being punished. A lot of children got away with a lot of things, but I somehow managed to get caught every time. 

At school we often went to services at the local church, at Easter and Christmas. I always felt a little strange in such a place. I knew there was something about it that was important, that I should think about but I never really thought about it too long. The normal activities of childhood drew me away to think about other things. I had an interest in Astrology and my brother had a book called 'Fate and Fortune' that delved into the Occult. The established church was a real turn-off. Morning worship on television where bishops were dressed up in the most ridiculous out-fits. The church seemed to be so irrelevant. I knew some Christians at College, one even told me that I would go to hell if I didn't become a Christian. I felt quite irritated at this, it bothered me. But I thought later - why does it bother me so much? The words in the Bible seemed to have such an authority, whenever someone uttered a verse I felt completely disarmed, I had no answer. I had a friend who always had an opinion on everything, but when Christianity came up he would refuse to talk about it. I found this quite amazing and thought that there may be something in it. There were many obstacles in my understanding. I knew that the Bible commanded us to love God. I couldn't understand how anybody could be commanded to love somebody, it didn't seem right. I also thought, how good do you have to be to be a Christian?

At University I met someone who invited me to his church. I thought I would at least try to find out more about Christianity. I went to a Bible study and found that there were people there who knew a lot about the Bible. There was a zeal for God, but as I found later it was not one according to knowledge. I felt my sinfulness so I thought I would do what they told me. Some of the things they taught worried me but at the time I really couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. I had to obey certain people and they taught that I would only go to heaven if I did certain things, keep up attendance, win converts. If I kept up the works then I would go to heaven. The building up of the church seemed to be entirely up to me. I felt a great pressure on me and I imagined God to be someone who just passed down the orders to let us get on with it. I wanted to feel peace with God, but I always felt that my current condition was not good enough, that I had to do more in order to merit God's favour. If I didn't measure up then I was out. Someone told me the church was a cult. I left the church feeling sad and confused. I just got on with life the best I could. 

After my degree I decided to stay and do a PhD. In my second year I moved into a flat with a friend from Northern Ireland called Alister and a few others. He invited me to come with him to his church. I knew he went to church and given all that I had gone through I declined the first time. He asked again and somehow I didn't feel afraid of going. I knew Alister to be a decent, kind person, he didn't threaten or pressure me in any way. I went along and I sat down - nobody really stared at me. One of the people got up and started to play the organ. Everyone was calm and it felt 'normal'. The focus was on the preacher and when he started speaking I saw a gentleness and kindness that I had not seen before. He began to preach on the grace of God. Grace being something offered that is not earned or worked for. I went away on holiday and thought about Christianity. I knew there were things in my life that I needed to forsake and that it would be hard. I wanted to be a Christian, but thought I was just not good enough, that I could not measure up to people's expectations. I knew that being a Christian required more than just giving my assent to a few facts. 

When I returned from holiday I went to church again and the preacher continued to tell me about the grace of God, that salvation is not down to what we do, but what Christ has already done when he died on the cross. I also felt again my sinfulness. But the grace of God helped me to answer the question that I had always struggled with 'How much good works must I do?', 'How can I be good enough?' I saw increasingly that our condition before a righteous God puts us all in the same boat, we are poor sinners in His sight incapable of saving ourselves, The answer to the question was that no amount of good works could atone for the wrong I had done, that I would never be good enough. I knew that I had done many wicked things, thought wicked things, neglected to do good. Even those who we look up to who seem to be on the outside 'perfect', they are sinners too. I needed peace with God, but the answer did not lie in what I had to do, but trusting in Christ being punished instead of me. God gave his only begotten Son for this purpose that whoever believes in him will have everlasting life. He lived the sinless life that I could not live and He was punished for the sins that I had committed. 

I began to see the difference between true and false religion. False religion says you must do good works, then you are saved. It starts with man and what he thinks is good enough. All the world’s false religions are different reflections and opinions on this. The belief of my parents was to do good without getting too involved - that would be good enough. The cults belief is to be zealous and that will be good enough. Man is at the centre making his own decisions trying to improve himself and ascending upwards. Do good to earn the favour of God. Eastern religions even state that you can in some ways become a little God, by your own effort! Atheism sets up ourselves in God's place, doing good for ourselves. True religion says you are saved through faith in Christ dying and suffering punishment in our place, he gave himself as a free gift and as a result you will do good works. It starts with God, no one is good enough and it is Him that takes the initiative. Only Christ can redeem us. There is only one opinion here, that of God himself revealed in the Bible, Jesus came to save sinners. God is at the centre, who condescends to help man in his sickness. It says look at what Christ has done, trust him and then follow him. The fact of 'Christ crucified' is unique amongst all other religions, systems and philosophies of this world. I repented and asked God to forgive me. These truths thrilled me so much! I know that God has saved me. This is the good news. Is it good news that tells us our eternal destiny depends on ourselves, knowing that we are weak and poor in spirit? I saw the Bible in a completely different way. I began to judge the church according to what the Bible said instead of judging the Bible by what the church said. Now I understand the command to love God, for what he has done it is the only natural thing one can do.